💡In a jungle far, far away, a rare spider bit a script and turned it into a 116-minute “What the Hell?” moment.
You know that feeling when you walk into a theater expecting a superhero origin story and instead get Madame Web, a 116-minute public service announcement for why you should stick to reading the comics? That’s what this movie is. It’s as if Sony took a perfectly good script, ran it through an industrial paper shredder, and then hired a group of people with zero creativity to tape it back together in a pitch-black room.
I came for the spiders; I stayed for the sheer, unmitigated audacity of the editing. It’s like the studio tried to bake a Spider-Man cake but forgot the flour, the eggs, and the heat—so they just served us a bowl of damp kinetic energy. This isn’t just a movie; it’s a cry for help from a franchise that has clearly lost its map, its compass, and its dignity. 🕷️🥴
⛑️Concentrated Persona: The Dakota Johnson “Internal Screaming” Hour
Dakota Johnson
Let’s talk about Dakota Johnson. Watching her as Cassie Webb is like watching someone realize they’ve walked into the wrong party but it’s too late to leave without being rude. You can actually see the “I’m firing my agent” realization in her eyes during every frame.
Her dry, sarcastic delivery is the only thing that feels grounded, but even she can’t save a script that tells trauma patients to “watch old movies” to fix their brain. 🧑⚕️📃She gets 10/10 points for her “I’m only here so I don’t get fined” energy, which is accidentally the funniest part of the film. Now keep in mind Dakota talked about why Madame Web flopped!
🧱Wait, Did She Just Take a Paramedic’s Salary to Peru? 🚑🌀
We start in a jungle with—surprise!—a rare spider and a betrayal trope you could see coming from a parallel universe. Fast forward a few decades and we meet Cassie Webb a paramedic who starts seeing the future after a brush with death.
Suddenly, she’s kidnapping three teenagers to save them from a villain who looks like a homeless, budget version of Peter Parker. Seriously, why was this guy barefoot the entire movie?! My brain spent 90% of the runtime wondering if he had a phobia of Dr. Scholl’s or if the production just ran out of money for footwear.🧠Eventually, the movie tries to put 2+2 together to give us the “Multiverse,” revealing these random girls were linked from the start—mostly by their lack of parental guidance and any functional sense of self-preservation. 🚑🌀
Then there’s the “spiritual journey” to Peru. As a wanted fugitive for kidnapping three minors, Cassie somehow manages to hop on an international flight to South America. Did she charter a private jet? Sneak through TSA in a laundry basket? How does a paramedic with zero connections pull off an international black-ops flight? We don’t know, because the edit was so choppy it felt like the movie itself forgot how she got there. It’s a “trust me, bro” moment of cinematic proportions. ✈️🗺️
🫅The Perpetrators & Enablers (Or: The Casting Couch of Doom)
Director: The Primary Suspect
The lead culprit is S.J. Clarkson, who seemingly allowed the “Shadow Committee” to hack this footage into an incoherent slurry. It feels like they plugged a stack of comic books into an amateur AI project and told it to “make a story that vaguely resembles a movie”. Professionally speaking, the direction has the cohesion of a fever dream recorded on a potato. If only we had someone like Adam Brooks—who actually knows how to run a show as Director/EP/Writer—to give this script a pulse. 🤖🚮
The “Spidery-Teens”: The Brave Souls
Joining the chaos are the teenagers: Sydney Sweeney, Celeste O’Connor, and Isabela Merced. They do their absolute best with zero backstory. The script gives them a literal two-second mention of “having problems” before expecting us to care if they get poked by a budget Spider-Man.
The Cameo Buffet
We also get a hilarious Adam Scott, Emma Roberts, and a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it Mike Epps cameo (shoutout to my home state!). They even tried to slip in Ben and Mary Parker like a hidden veggie in a toddler’s pasta, but it just tasted like desperation. 🎭🕸️
Studio: Sony
They bankrolled this catastrophe and allowed it to be released in this state. It’s the ultimate “Shadow Committee” move—over-editing a project until it loses its soul, its logic, and its shoes. 🏥🎬
🧪The Breakdown: Breaking the Multiverse (and Our Spirits)
Acting – Expression or Exorcism🎭
The performances are… fine? But they exist in a total tonal vacuum. Dakota’s dry, sarcastic delivery is the only thing that feels grounded, but even she can’t save a script that feels like it was written by a broken bot. You can practically see her checking her contract to see how many more of these she’s legally obligated to do. The chemistry between the girls is the only spark of life here, but it’s hard to care when they have the survival instincts of a lemming in a blender. The girls do their best, and Adam Scott is always a win, but even they can’t act their way out of a script this clunky.
Script – Shakespeare or Sh*tpost📝
Total Sh*tpost. The Shadow Committee clearly hacked the narrative into pieces, leaving more plot holes than a spiderweb in a category five hurricane. Between a fugitive paramedic finding a direct flight to the Amazon on a paramedic’s salary and a villain who can see the future but forgets to wear shoes, the logic is non-existent. ✍️🚮
Visuals – “Grand Theft Ambulance” or Mid-2000s CW Pilot🎨
There are brief flashes of ambition. The “Grand Theft Ambulance” sequence had a decent look, and the finale where Cassie is in three places at once showed some cool clairvoyant effects. Too bad the rest of the movie looks like it was filmed through a grease-stained lens by someone with an axe to grind against continuity.
Pacing – Thrill Ride or Nyquil⏱️
Sporadic and confusing. It drags through an emotional void for an hour and then suddenly teleports to Peru. It’s the cinematic equivalent of a car that keeps stalling out in the middle of a high-speed chase. It’s a slow-burn slog that suddenly teleports to Peru. It feels like the movie is constantly stalling out, then suddenly doing 90 mph toward a cliff.😴💤
🧿Dear Viewer…
If you want to witness the exact moment a franchise loses its dignity, this is it. You can see the pain, the confusion, and the deep, soul-crushing regret in Dakota Johnson’s eyes in every frame. That look alone should be a deterrent. Stay away. 📺🙄
🎯Who’s This For?
Dakota Johnson Completionists: Bless your hearts.
The Shadow Committee: To study their handiwork in ruining a concept.
Barefoot Villain Enthusiasts: This is your Citizen Kane. 🦶
🧠Deep(ish) Thoughts
The idea of a clairvoyant protector is awesome! But you can tell exactly what Dakota meant when she talked about a lack of creativity. It’s a textbook case of “too many cooks” and not enough actual storytelling. This movie possessed incredible potential, but Sony turned it into a cautionary tale. The only reason to watch this again is to count how many times Dakota Johnson looks directly into the camera as if to scream “Help me.” Otherwise, once is more than enough for a lifetime.📚🕷️
Shout out!
If you’ve finished this movie and feel like you need to wash your brain out with actual quality, go check out The Life List (2025). Adam Brooks and the cast actually understood the assignment.
Cinematic Gold!
- The Grand Theft Ambulance sequence
- Dakota’s relatable "done with this" energy
- the trippy "three places at once" finale effects
Bad Decisions!
- The barefoot villain (why?!)
- the logic-defying trip to Peru
- a script that tells trauma victims to just "watch movies." 🛠️📉
Should You Watch This?
Hell no! The disappointment in the lead actress's eyes is the only review you actually need to see. Save your time and your sanity.
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