Paramount+: July 2025 Arrivals! 🏔️ Peak or Piffle?

Alright, Cine-freaks, gather ’round! Paramount+ is rolling out its July 2025 slate, and frankly, we’re here to dissect it with the precision of a mad scientist analyzing a plot hole. Will it be a cinematic triumph or another reason to question our life choices (and monthly subscriptions)? Let’s dive into the good, the bad, and the utterly baffling.

The Good, The Bad, and The WTF?!

First up, the “good” (and we use that term loosely, because this is Cinesist, buddy). Dexter: Original Sin is hitting on July 11. Now, a solid series like Dexter isn’t a bad choice, but let’s be real, it’s a spin-off from the original. Are we excited? Sure. Are we cautiously optimistic that it won’t tarnish the legacy like a bad sequel? Absolutely. Our expectations are lower than a worm’s belly in a ditch, but hope springs eternal… or fatal!

Then there’s Monster Summer. I mean, it has Mel Gibson. So, can it be that bad? On paper, it sounds decent. Definitely adding this one to the watchlist because, let’s be honest, we’re suckers for a good monster flick, even if it comes with questionable baggage.

Now for the WTF moment: Dora! Really? A live-action freaking Dora? What in the name of all that is holy is happening to our childhoods?! Is nothing sacred? Are we just milking every last drop of nostalgia until it’s dryer than a desert? OMFG! We’re not sure if we should laugh or cry… probably both.

But fear not, for Axel Foley saves the day! Beverly Hills Cop is an iconic franchise, and you bet your snarky behind we’ll be watching that for the up-teenth time! I mean, Axel Foley! Come on! Some classics are just immortal, unlike most of Paramount+’s original series.

The Movie Vault: A Mixed Bag of Nostalgia and… More Bag?

Paramount+ is also dumping a truckload of movies into the vault this July. It’s a grab bag of classics, some questionable choices, and a few head-scratchers. We’ve gone through the list and added our unfiltered, snark to each. You’re welcome.😏

A Soldier’s Story: A classic war drama, probably less explosions, more existential dread. Just how we like it.
A Walk Among the Tombstones: Liam Neeson doing Liam Neeson things. You know the drill, bad guys get punched.
A Walk on the Moon: Diane Lane and Viggo Mortensen. Sounds like a quiet drama. We’re here for the quiet judging.
Airplane II: The Sequel: Because one disaster wasn’t enough. Prepare for more laughs and questionable special effects.
Airplane!: The OG absurdity that launched a thousand parodies. Still funnier than most modern comedies.
An Officer and a Gentleman: Richard Gere and a uniform. Classic romance, probably more tears than explosions.
Beverly Hills Cop: Axel Foley! Iconic. We’re watching this for the up-teenth time, and so should you.
Beverly Hills Cop II: More Axel Foley, more explosions, slightly less plot. Still better than most sequels.
Beverly Hills Cop III: The one we pretend didn’t happen, but here it is. For completionists only, bless your hearts.
Boys And Girls: Freddie Prinze Jr. and rom-com angst. Remember the 90s? We try not to.
Breakfast at Tiffany’s: Audrey Hepburn, a classic. Elegant, sophisticated, and probably still makes no sense.
Chicago: All that jazz, razzle-dazzle, and murder. A musical that’s actually good? Shocking.
City of God: Brutal, beautiful, and a masterpiece. If you haven’t seen it, stop reading and go watch.
City of Men: The sequel to City of God, still gritty, still Brazilian, still probably too real for Hollywood.
Congo: Gorillas, diamonds, and a talking ape. Pure 90s B-movie gold. Don’t think, just watch.
Cracks: Eva Green being mysterious. Sounds like a dark boarding school drama. Probably more interesting than school.
Crisis: Gary Oldman and a drug epidemic. Sounds heavy. We’re here for the dramatic acting, obviously.
Defiance: Daniel Craig fighting Nazis. Because that’s what he does best. Less shaken, more stirred.
Don Jon: JGL, Scarlett Johansson, and internet addiction. A modern romance that’s actually relatable. Too relatable.
Downhill Racer: Robert Redford and skiing. A classic sports drama. Probably more intense than your last vacation.
Election: Reese Witherspoon as a terrifying overachiever. A political satire that’s still relevant. Scary, right?
Failure to Launch: Matthew McConaughey and Sarah Jessica Parker. A rom-com premise that’s just… sad.
Full Metal Jacket: Kubrick’s brutal take on Vietnam. War is hell, and this movie proves it. Don’t bring the kids.
G.I. Blues: Elvis in the army. Because nothing says military precision like a musical number.
G.I. Jane: Demi Moore, shaved head, and Navy SEAL training. Empowering, but also, that ending, amirite?
Gasoline Alley: Bruce Willis and a serial killer. Sounds like a direct-to-video special. We’ll pass, thanks.
Girl, Interrupted: Angelina Jolie and Winona Ryder in a mental institution. Deep, dark, and probably a little too real.
Glory: Denzel Washington and the Civil War. A powerful, important film. Go watch it, you philistine.
Go: A wild ride through a single night. Remember when indie movies were actually good? This one is.
Hamburger Hill: Another Vietnam war movie. More mud, more grit, more reasons to hate war.
Hit & Run: Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell. A chaotic comedy. Probably funnier than it has any right to be.
Jackass 2.5: More Jackass. Because 2 wasn’t enough, and 3 was too much. Just right for masochists.
Jackass 3: Even more Jackass. The one where they finally ran out of good ideas. Almost.
Jackass 3.5: The leftovers from Jackass 3. Because you demanded more pain, you sickos.
Jackass Number 2: The one where they really hit their stride. Pure, unadulterated idiocy. We approve.
Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa: Johnny Knoxville as an old man. Surprisingly heartwarming, surprisingly disgusting.
Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa .5 Unrated: More old man antics. Because the unrated version is always better, right?
Jackass: The Movie: The original. Where it all began. The blueprint for questionable life choices.
Jarhead: Jake Gyllenhaal and the Gulf War. Less action, more existential waiting. Surprisingly engaging.
John Grisham’s The Rainmaker: Matt Damon and a legal drama. Because nothing says excitement like court proceedings.
Limitless: Bradley Cooper, a magic pill, and limitless potential. We’d take that pill, no questions asked.
Looper: Bruce Willis, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and time travel. Confusing, brilliant, and worth the headache.
Lords of Dogtown: Skateboarding, rebellion, and 70s California. Pure cool, even if you can’t ollie.
Machete Kills: Danny Trejo, machine guns, and ridiculousness. Pure grindhouse chaos. Don’t overthink it.
Major League: Charlie Sheen and baseball. A classic sports comedy. Still funnier than most actual baseball games.
Mud: Matthew McConaughey being McConaughey. A gritty Southern drama. He’s good, but we’re still judging his rom-com choices.
Pet Sematary (2019): Remake of a classic horror. Was it necessary? Probably not. Will we watch? Duh.
Rules of Engagement: Samuel L. Jackson and Tommy Lee Jones. Military court drama. Lots of yelling, probably.
Saving Private Ryan: Spielberg’s masterpiece. Brutal, emotional, and will make you cry. Don’t deny it.
Seabiscuit: A horse movie. Inspirational, sure. But it’s a horse. We prefer explosions.
Set It Off: Director’s Cut: Female bank robbers. Action, drama, and a powerful message. Iconic.
Side Effects: Jude Law, Rooney Mara, and psychological thrills. Sounds like a good way to mess with your head.
Sleepless: Jamie Foxx and a kidnapping. Sounds like a typical action thriller. We’ve seen worse.
South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut: The movie that proved cartoons can be more offensive than live-action. A classic.
Stardust: Fantasy, magic, and a quest. Charming, whimsical, and surprisingly not terrible.
Staten Island Summer: Pete Davidson and summer shenanigans. Sounds like a coming-of-age comedy. Probably more cringe than laughs.
Stop-Loss: Ryan Phillippe and soldiers coming home. A heavy drama. Probably more depressing than your last family reunion.
The Aviator: Leo DiCaprio as Howard Hughes. Long, epic, and full of eccentric genius. Just like us.
The Book of Henry: A child genius, a dark secret. Sounds like it tries too hard to be profound.
The Fighter: Mark Wahlberg and Christian Bale. Boxing drama. Gritty, real, and makes you want to punch something.
The Gunman: Sean Penn and a sniper. Sounds like he’s trying to be Liam Neeson. Good luck with that.
The Killer Inside Me: Casey Affleck as a psychopath. Dark, disturbing, and probably not for family movie night.
The Lincoln Lawyer: Matthew McConaughey in a car. Legal drama. He’s good, but we miss the shirtless rom-coms.
The Patriot: Mel Gibson and the American Revolution. Explosions, patriotism, and historical inaccuracies. Classic.
The Presidio: Sean Connery and Mark Harmon. Military mystery. Sounds like a dad movie. We approve.
The Quiet American: Michael Caine and a love triangle in Vietnam. Smart, complex, and probably too subtle for some.
The Survivalist: Post-apocalyptic survival. Sounds bleak. We prefer our apocalypses with more zombies.
The To Do List: Aubrey Plaza and a summer of sexual exploration. Awkward, hilarious, and definitely not for the kids.
The Virgin Suicides: Sofia Coppola’s haunting debut. Beautiful, melancholic, and will make you feel things.
Titanic: You know the drill. Ship sinks, hearts go on. Still makes us tear up, don’t tell anyone.
Training Day: Denzel Washington’s Oscar-winning performance. Intense, gritty, and will make you question everything.
World Trade Center: Nicolas Cage and 9/11. A respectful but emotionally draining watch.
Zero Dark Thirty: The hunt for Bin Laden. Gritty, realistic, and will make you feel like a spy.

TV Shows: Is That All You Got, Paramount+?

Alright, Paramount+, let’s talk TV. Because frankly, we’re disappointed. Nothing really good TV show-wise? A bunch more Dora? Are you kidding us?! We get it, kids gotta watch something, but do we have to suffer? And more riding the coat tails of Star Trek: The Next Generation? Look, we love Picard as much as the next Cine-freak, but can we get some new ideas that aren’t just rehashing old glories?

And then there’s Big Brother Season 27. OMFG. Really?! Are we still doing this? It’s like a zombie apocalypse of reality TV – it just won’t die! We pay good money for this service, and this is the best you can offer in terms of original, compelling series?

Our Ire: Where’s the Landman Season 2, Paramount+?!

Let’s get to the real beef here, Paramount+. Why the Dora crap? Why the lackluster release of TV series? Why are you trying to water down your product that we pay good money for? We signed up for Yellowstone and Mayor of Kingstown, for gritty, compelling dramas! We want Landman Season 2! We want more Taylor Sheridan goodness and definitely Tulsa King Season 2!! Because Sly as a Mobster!! *Chefs Kiss*

Instead, we get reheated leftovers and children’s programming that makes us question our sanity. It’s like you’re handing us a gourmet meal menu and then serving us lukewarm instant noodles. We’re not amused! Stop trying to be everything to everyone and focus on the quality content that made us subscribe in the first place! Our patience is thinner than a movie critic’s skin!

The Verdict: Paramount+’s July 2025 lineup is a mixed bag of classic movie gems and seriously questionable new TV offerings. While the movie vault offers some solid re-watches, the lack of compelling new series is more disappointing than a superhero movie with no post-credits scene. Come on, Paramount, you can do better!

Call to Action: What do YOU think of Paramount+’s July lineup? Are you excited for Dexter or dreading more Dora? Let us know in the comments below! And don’t forget to share your unfiltered opinions👇💥💻