Look, Cine-freaks, I’m not going to sugarcoat this. Disney, bless their Mickey-eared hearts, just dropped Elio, and it’s bombing harder than a Wile E. Coyote invention at the box office. We’re talking lowest opening in Pixar history kind of bombing. But here’s the kicker, the plot twist no one asked for: Rotten Tomatoes says it’s 86% Certified Fresh! WHAT. THE. HELL. IS. GOING. ON. HERE?! 🤯
Ehh, umm… excuse me, Cine-freak, are you getting the message here? Because I’m starting to think the critics over at Rotten Tomatoes are either asleep at the wheel or fully indoctrinated zombies for the corporate machine! How can a movie that looks and feels like a 60% at best (and that’s being generous, like me giving a bad movie a 5 because I had a good breakfast) be “Certified Fresh” while simultaneously crashing and burning in theaters? This isn’t just dissonance; it’s a full-blown cinematic schizophrenia! 😵💫
The “Forgettable” Fiasco: No Hooks, Just… Fluff. 🎣🗑️
“Forgettable.” That’s the word echoing across the digital landscape for Elio. “No audience hook.” And DAMN RIGHT! You can’t just slap a used-to-be GREAT studio label (yeah, I said “used-to-be,” don’t @ me) on something and expect great results! This isn’t the early 2000s, where the Pixar name alone guaranteed box office magic and emotional resonance.(Toy Story!!) You need content, you need substance, you need a reason for us to care! No hooks? That’s not just a missed opportunity; that’s shitty content, plain and simple! They’re just banging out that Pixar content because they’re Pixar! The audacity! 🙄
Disney’s Marketing Malpractice & The Indoctrination Agenda 😈💰
And let’s talk about the marketing, or rather, the lack thereof. Multiple sources confirm Disney showed a perceived lack of faith in Elio with a dismal marketing campaign. It’s like they were actively trying to bury it, focusing more on “paring expected financial loss” than enthusiastic promotion. DAMN RIGHT, if Disney doesn’t believe in its own product, why should we?! This isn’t just pure corporate/Hollywood laziness; it’s a calculated gamble that backfired spectacularly.
But let’s be real, part of this corporate arrogance stems from the belief that the Pixar name alone would make bank. Plus, let’s not forget Disney’s huge component for DEI (Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion) over the last 10-15 years. They’ve been attempting to indoctrinate our kids, and our kids’ kids with their woke agendas for far too long, thinking we wouldn’t notice. F*ckers! Maybe, just maybe, audiences are tired of being preached to and just want a good, original story that doesn’t feel like a lecture wrapped in pretty animation. Just a thought! 🤔💡
The Streaming Scam: The Golden Age Was a Crock of Shit! 📺💸
And then there’s the elephant in the digital room: streaming conditioning. Audiences are now trained like Pavlov’s dogs to expect original Pixar films to land on Prime Video (or, you know, Disney+) quicker than Ryan Reynolds can drop a witty one-liner. The “sense of urgency for theatrical releases is gone”? BULLSHIT! It’s not that we don’t have urgency; it’s that we don’t want to spend an arm and a leg to go to theaters anymore!
Remember “The Golden Age of Streaming“? Remember being sold a crock of shit about cutting the cord for content we want and no fluff? Yeah, about that. Now we’re paying for five different services to watch one good show, and Disney expects us to shell out another fifty bucks for a ticket to see something they barely bothered to promote? HARD PASS! We’ve been scammed, Cine-freaks, and Elio is just the latest receipt in this digital Ponzi scheme! 😡
Originals vs. Cash Grabs: Pixar’s Identity Crisis Deepens 🎭📉
The ultimate irony? Inside Out 2 (2024) was an amazing film, well-marketed, with a great concept, and it played well off the first amazing film! It was a $1.7 billion global hit! DAMN RIGHT, that’s how you do it! But then you look at other “original” Pixar films since 2020: Luca, Elemental, Lightyear… all underperformed. Why? Because Luca and Elemental felt like awful cash grabs! Like, “bang out that Pixar content because we’re Pixar! My ass!” And Lightyear? WTF was that?! It was a huge mistake to re-cast Tim Allen! I mean, come on, a Buzz Lightyear feature without THE BUZZ LIGHTYEAR?! That’s like a Deadpool movie without Ryan Reynolds! UNTHINKABLE!
This clearly suggests audiences resoundingly favor familiar brands over standalone stories when the standalone stories are mediocre and poorly supported. Pixar is at a crossroads. Are they the innovative, boundary-pushing studio that gave us WALL-E and Up, or are they just another content mill churning out streaming filler and questionable sequels for the Mouse House? The Elio flop isn’t just about one movie; it’s a screaming siren for Pixar’s very soul.
Closing Argument: The Snarkive’s Verdict gavel ⚖️
So, Disney, here’s a sharp take to go into The Snarkive: Stop blaming your audience for not showing up when you failed to show up for your own film. Stop watering down your creative vision for check-box agendas. Stop conditioning us to wait for streaming and then complaining when we do. And for the love of all that is cinematically holy, give Pixar back its spark before it becomes just another casualty in your digital empire!(Star Wars!!..cough cough) We’re watching. And DAMN RIGHT, we’re judging. 😉
Call to Action
What’s your unfiltered take on Elio and Pixar’s recent struggles? Did you see it in theaters, or are you waiting for Disney+? Sound off in the comments below! 👇💥💻
Go on, you know you want to. The comment section isn’t going to fill itself, and honestly, this carefully crafted piece of meta-snark deserves a little applause… or at least a witty critique. Don’t leave us hanging here! 👇💥💻